Computer Stupidities

[Apoorv Upreti]

Maybe some of you know the computer supidities website. Well if you havent then have fun with these :-

Email from a customer to tech support :

I've bought a stolen CDD3610 which didn't come with any software or cables. Could you please send that to me? I presume I do have the full 12 months warranty?

My friend and I were walking to school one day when this guy tried to impress us with his computer knowledge. He launched into this big discussion about how he wrote all these cool programs for nuking people on IRC and that sort of thing. I had a feeling he was lying, so I asked him, "What language did you write them in?" His reply was, "English, of course."

* Customer: "Hi, I recently bought a computer, and I seem to be having problems."
* Tech Support: "What type of problems?"
* Customer: "Nothing seems to be working at all."
* Tech Support: "Hmmm, what kind of computer is it?"
* Customer: "[brand]."
* Tech Support: "Actually, we don't sell that brand of computer here."
* Customer: "I know, I bought it from a friend of mine."
* Tech Support: "May I ask why you are calling us for support?"
* Customer: "Aren't you a computer store?"
* Tech Support: "Yes."
* Customer: "Well, I was in there yesterday."
* Tech Support: "And you bought something from us?"
* Customer: "No, but you sell computers so you should fix them."
* Tech Support: "Did we sell your computer to you?"
* Customer: "No."
* Tech Support: "Did we sell anything to you?"
* Customer: "No."
* Tech Support: "Why should we be supporting something we didn't sell you?"
* Customer: "Well, who should I be calling?"
* Tech Support: "Probably your friend, or the manufacturer of the computer."
* Customer: "You are not very much help, you know."
* Tech Support: "I am sorry but there is not much I can do for you, unless you would like to bring the computer in and pay a fee for fixing it."
* Customer: "Why should I have to pay for you to work on my computer?"
* Tech Support: "Sir, I am hanging up now."

Me and a friend live in a small student hall of residence where we have gained a reputation for helping people sort out their computer problems. Last year a fresher electrical engineer upgraded his motherboard and CPU. He came down to dinner that evening and complained that his computer kept freezing up shortly after booting. We offered to take a look at it for him, but he insisted that he and his roommate could sort it out themselves. A week later the problem was still there, but his roommate had 'found out' that it was a problem with the sound card, so they were going to buy a new one the next day. I asked if I could just take a look at it before they bought it.

* Me: "What's that noise?"
* Him: "Oh, that's the CPU fan."
* Me: "It shouldn't be vibrating like that."
* Him: "It's fine."
* Me: "No, it should be flush against the CPU and fixed firmly in place."
* Him: "Don't worry. It's fine."

After much persuasion, I got him to remove the case.

* Me: "The fan's being held on by an elastic band!?!?"
* Him: "Yeah, the arm things snapped off when I was putting it back on."
* Me: (as the rubber band starts to smolder): "Do you have ANY IDEA how hot a Pentium II gets??"
* Him: "Look, the computer's frozen again. Can't wait to get that new sound card."

It turned out he had tried to fit the fan on upside down. The fact that the arms only bent the other way didn't deter him, even when they snapped off. Of course the problem was a simple case of the CPU overheating. Now every time I now see him holding a screwdriver with a look of purpose on his face I want to run screaming.

Two friends and I were standing around one day. One of them was fiddling around with his computer, playing a game. He recommended the game to us. But my other friend said that he couldn't install it, because installing it would take up all of his memory, and he'd need to get a new computer.

* Me: "What?"
* Friend: "It would take up all of my memory."
* Me: "Do you mean hard drive space? It won't take up any of your memory to install it."
* Friend: "Yeah it would. I only have three gigabytes left."
* Me: "Oh. You mean drive space. But three gigabytes is plenty of room."
* Friend: "But it'll take it all up!"
* Me: "Trust me. If it comes on one CD, it won't take up all of your drive space."

Several hours later, I overheard him having a conversation with his roommate. This conversation contained the phrase, "I'd get it, but if I installed it it would take up all of my memory, and I'd have to get a new computer." I just closed my eyes and sighed.

One of the best ....

[spoil] * Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."
* Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
* Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."
* Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"
* Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either."
* Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
* Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
* Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
* Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."
* Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"

At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.

* Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"
* Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
* Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?"

Silence.

* Tech Support: "Sir?"
* Customer: "Yes."
* Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
* Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?"
* Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"
* Customer: "Ummmm."
* Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?"
* Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
* Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day." [/spoil]

Stupider than the rest

[spoil]
"On two occasions, I have been asked [by members of Parliament], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."
-- Charles Babbage (1791-1871)[/spoil]

[DP-NiSh]

LoL... the butter one was quite funny... it's hard to see how n00by people can get bout computers... -___-
Anyways, I wonder why u had to use Spoiler tags here..