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Jokes for all

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Jokes for all

Postby tyranitar 3000 » November 2nd, 2006, 3:02 pm

Joke No. 1

A policeman saw a man walking down the street with a penguin. He told the man he should take the penguin to the zoo.'Good idea', the man replied, and off he went. The next day the policeman saw the man again, and he still had the penguin with him. 'I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo', the policeman said. 'I did', answered the man, 'and today I'm taking him to the movies!'

Joke No. 2


A man takes his obviously dead dog to the vet. The man says to the vet, "I think my dog is real sick. Would you please examine him and tell me what you think?" The vet looks at the dog and says, "I'm very sorry Mr. Smith but your dog has died." The man implores, "Are you sure doctor? Is there any tests you can run to be sure?" "Oookay," says the doctor skeptically. He has his assistant bring in the office house cat. The cat proceeds to sniff the dog from nose to tail, jumps off the table and goes into the other room. The doctor says, "Well that confirms my diagnosis, Mr. Smith, your dog has passed on." Regrettably, the doctor continues. "And I am really sorry to have to give you the bill for our services at such a time." The man looks at the bill and in shock says, "$285? $285 to tell me my dog is dead??" "No," says the doctor, "That was only $35. The other $250 was for the cat scan.

Joke No.3

There was this guy and he was driving along until he got a flat. He spotted a near-by farm and decided maybe they had a phone. When he got there he saw a farmer and a pig. The only thing was the pig only had three legs and a wooden leg where the fourth was missing. "Hey there, you wouldn't happen to have a phone would you?" the guy said, still thinking about the pig. "Nope, no phones 'round these parts." The farmer looked up at the sky just as the man noticed it was getting darker. "Well, I guess...ya can stay here for 'da night. 'Dat is if you likes." Thinking about his flat he decided to stay. "I just have one question, what happened to that pig?" asked the man. "Well,..he been in a fire not 'dat longs ago. Rescued all 'da childrens too. Yep, 'dat be one fine pig."said the farmer. "Well, how'd he get like that? Did the leg get burnt....or what?" asked the man. "Nope, he didn' get hurt." "Then what happened to his leg?" the man asked getting more & more impatient. "Well," the farmer said annoyed "everybody knows 'dat you don't eat a pig like 'dat in one sittin".

Joke No. 4

Five guys were on a plane...a kid, a preacher, a doctor, the captain, and a lawyer. The captain came on the P.A. system and says "Mayday, Mayday! We're going down and there is only four vests on the plane. You guys decide who's staying but I'm jumping now!!!" The doctor says "I've saved lives my whole life so I think that I should get one," so the doctor jumps. The lawyer says "I'm the smartest man in the world. I've solved over nine dozen cases so I'm jumpin' bye!" So the preacher goes up to the kid and says "I've lived a long and happy life and I know I'm going to heaven, so you take the last vest and go." The kid says "No, you grab this one and I'll grab the other one because the smartest man in the world just jumped with my book bag!!!!"


Joke No. 5

My boss told me to use the colors green, pink, and yellow in a sentence and I would get a raise. What did I do? I told him, "When the phone goes "green! green!" I "pink" it up and say "yellow!"

Joke No. 6

There was a car full of nuns that were driving really slow. A police officer pulls them over and asked why they were going so slow. The head nun replies "Well, the sign over there says 23 and I was going 23 miles per hour." The officer says "No, thats the route number not the speed limit, you can go 55 miles per hour." The nun then says "Well that explains why the nuns were yelling at me earlier today." The officer asked why and the nun said "Well we just got off route 125!!"

Joke no. 7

There once was a pirate who had a peg leg, a hook on his left hand, and a patch on his left eye. One day this pirate walked into a pub and sat down at the table beside a cabin boy. The cabin boy looks at him and said, "Hey mate, what happened to your leg, sir?" The pirate looked at him and said "AYE, I was leaning over to clean the side of me boat when I FELL into the water and a shark tore it off!" The cabin boy took a sip of his drink and looked back at the pirate's gleaming silver hook and said "Gee sir that sounds terrible, but what I would really like to know is what happened to yer hand?" The Pirate looked at him and looked back at his mug of ale and said," Aye, I was boarding another ship when some scaly landlubber cut it off with a razor sharp blade!"

Then the cabin boy looked at the pirates eye patch and asked, "Excuse me sir, but just one more question, what happened to your eye, I must know, oh please tell me?" The Pirate look kind of annoyed but answered anyway, he said, "It happened a long time ago when a seagull pooped in me eye and I tried to rub it out with me hook!"

Joke No. 8

There once was a lady who had identical twin boys, named Amal and Juan. She could not care for them so she gave them up for adoption. One couple adopted Juan and moved to Spain. Another couple adopted Amal and moved to Iraq. Ten years later Juan sent his birth mother a letter and a picture of himself. The mother told her husband she wished Amal would send her a picture too. The husband said, "Well, when you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal"!!!

Joke No. 9

A blonde was a little low on money, so she decided to hire herself out as a handyman. She went into this rich neighborhood, and went up to a house. She knocked at the door and a man answered the door. "May I help you?" "Yes I am a handyman, and I was wondering if you needed any work done around your yard." "As a matter of fact I do, I need my porch painted. How much will you charge?", the man asked. "How about $50?" the blonde said. "Okay, the paint, ladders, and everything else that you will need is in the shed." The blonde went to work.

The man went into his house and his wife said "Does she know that it is a wrap-around porch?" "She should, she was standing on it", the man replied. About 30 minutes later the blonde went up to the house. "Done already?" the man asked. "Yes and I had some extra paint, so I put two coats on." The blonde replied. "Great!" the man replied and handed her the $50. The blonde was walking to her car when she turned around and said "Oh, and by the way, it's a ferrari, not a porsche. "

Joke No. 10

A frog walked into a bank to see the loan officer, Mr. Pattiwack. He said "Hi! My name is Kermit Jagger. I'm Mick Jagger's son, and I need a loan." So Mr. Pattiwack said "What do you have as collateral." Kermit said "I have a pink ceramic elephant." So Mr. Pattiwack walked into his boss's office and said "There is a frog out here named Kermit Jagger. All he has for collateral is a pink ceramic elephant and I don't know what that is!" So his boss said "It's a knick-knack Pattiwack give the frog a loan. His old man is a Rolling Stone."

Continued ->
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Re: Jokes for all

Postby tyranitar 3000 » November 2nd, 2006, 3:08 pm

Joke No. 11

There are three houses. One is blue, one is red, and one is white. The red house is on the left. The blue is on the right. Where's the white house?

In Washington D.C.!

Joke No. 12

How many elephants can you fit into a little pink car?
5...2 in the front, 2 in the back and 1 in the trunk.

How do you know an elephant has been in the fridge?
There is a footprint in the butter.

How do you know 2 elephants have been in the fridge?
There are 2 footprints in the butter.

How do you know 3 elephants have been in the fridge?
There are 3 footprints in the butter.

How do you know 4 elephants have been in the fridge?
There are 4 footprints in the butter.

How do you know 5 elephants have been in the fridge?
There is a little pink car out front.

Joke No. 13

Camp Counselor: How did you get that horrible swelling on your nose?

Camper: I bent over to smell a brose.

Camp Counselor: There's no b in rose!

Camper: There was in this one

Joke No. 14

There were two people robbing an apartment. The first one said, "I hear the owner coming! Quick, jump out the window!" The second one said, "Are you crazy? We're on the thirteenth floor!" The first one said, "This is no time to be superstitious!"

Joke No. 15

A chicken walks into a book store and says, "Book book book book book book." The person at the desk hands a book to the chicken and the chicken walks out. The next day the chicken walks into the book store again and says, "Book book book book book book." The person at the desk hands a book to the chicken and the chicken walks out. The same thing happens over and over and over through the week. The person at the desk starts to wonder what the chicken is doing with the books and he finally decides to follow the chicken next time. The next day the chicken walks into the store and says, "Book book book book book book." The guy behind the desk hands the chicken a book and the chicken walks out. The man follows the chicken into a forest with a long twisty path, after walking for a while the man comes to a pond and he sees the chicken and a frog. The chicken drops the book and says, "Book book book book book book." Then the frog says, "Read it, read it."

Joke No. 16

There was a man that was sitting in a recliner on the 1st floor of his house. It started to flood. 1 hour later a boat came and said "c'mon get in!" The man said "no, I have faith in God...he'll save me!", so the boat left.

2 hours later he was forced to move to the 2nd floor. Another rescue boat came and said "c'mon get in". Again the man said "no, I have faith in God...he'll save me!"

3 hours later he was forced to move up on the roof. A helicopter came and said "c'mon get in". Again the man said "no, I have faith in God...he'll save me." 4 hours later he died and went to heaven and he asked St. Peter why God didn't save him. St. Peter said "He tried! He sent you 2 rescue boats and a helicopter!!!!"

Joke No. 17

Michael comes back from school and says to his mom, "Mom, my teacher is interested in our family. At recess time, he asked me if I had any brothers or sisters and I told him that I didn't." "And what did he say?", asked his mother. He said, "Thank You God!"

Joke No. 18

Three guys were stranded on an island. One day, a magic lamp washed ashore. A magic genie popped out. He said "I'll give each of you one wish."
The 1st man said "I want to go back home"...he disappeared. The 2nd man said "I also want to go home"...he also disappeared. The third man looked around and felt lonely. He said "I want my 2 friends back to keep me company"!

Joke No. 19

Once there was a parrot and he swore like a sailor. He belonged to a goody-goody little old man. The old man said, "Parrot, if you don't stop swearing, I will put you in a box!" The parrot kept on swearing. So the little old man put him in a box. The parrot kicked the sides and scratched at the box until the old man took him out. The parrot kept on swearing. The little old man said, "If you don't stop swearing, I will put you in a cupboard!" The parrot kept right on swearing. So the little old man put the parrot in the cupboard. The parrot was kicking the walls and making a lot of racket until the little old man finally took him out. The parrot kept swearing so the little old man said, "If you keep swearing, I am going to put you in the freezer!" The parrot kept right on swearing so the little old man put him in the freezer. The bird was making quite a racket for about 5 minutes then it was all quiet. The Little Old Man was beginning to get scared, so he opened up the freezer. The bird quietly stepped out, his hands folded in front of him. He said, "I will be good as long as I live! By the way, what did the chicken do?"


Joke No. 20

A moron was in a canoe trying to paddle it through a field. An idiot drives up and says, "what are you doing?" The moron says, "I'm trying to paddle through the water but it doesn't seem to be working." The idiot says, "If I knew how to swim I'd come out there and slap you silly!"

To be Continued...
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Postby Pranz » November 2nd, 2006, 4:27 pm

OOOHHHH........GR8 Jokes...........relly liked them.....good work
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Postby tyranitar 3000 » November 2nd, 2006, 4:37 pm

thanks, i'm sure u'll like tomorrows edition!
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Re: Jokes for all

Postby mantislovervaibhav2 » November 29th, 2006, 6:35 pm

GR8 Jokes - + points after considering how much effort it could have been if Copy and Paste did not exist!!
Imagehere is my TC for a while! give me pointers to improve upon it.

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Postby Apoorv Upreti » December 1st, 2006, 1:35 pm

ya theyr pretty g00d
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Postby Dark Lord » December 2nd, 2006, 3:42 pm

Great Jokes you can lol all the way.
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+Credits to Pranz for the TC+[/align]
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Re: Jokes for all

Postby Monfernape » December 8th, 2013, 1:59 pm

Good jokes except for Joke 1 and 2
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Re: Jokes for all

Postby Victini223 » December 8th, 2013, 3:33 pm

Are baba kitne jokes martaa hai.
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Re: Jokes for all

Postby Monfernape » December 8th, 2013, 3:38 pm

He should be called jOker.
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Re: Jokes for all

Postby Victini223 » December 17th, 2013, 6:40 pm

Exactly.
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